Sometimes direction is really hard. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? What DIRECTION do I want to go?
The curse of being a person that constantly questions, evaluates, reevaluates, attempts, thinks, and rethinks is just that… I’m always wondering. My brain is a constant stream of what-ifs and options. It’s exhausting at times, to be so overwhelmed by the different paths and things that could be.
I’ve finally gotten my real estate license, which has been a goal for more of my life than I’d like to admit, however, it’s daunting. Starting something new, a new career, is scary. I can’t fail, because I truly feel like it’s what I’m meant to be doing, but failure is so easy.
Hopefully direction and clarity will show themselves in the coming months. It is spring, after all, which is the season of potential, new beginnings, and answers so it seems.
Well, it’s been a minute since I’ve popped in around these parts, hasn’t it?
Things look a little different, as I’ve been working on trying my hand at designing my blog. You’ll have to bear with me as I slowly get things worked out to the way I want them to be. Today I felt the need to post, so I got busy working on things until I could get it good enough to hit publish. Haha!
I’m sure things aren’t great on your end, but at least I’m back, right?
Hopefully I’ll be back with more regularity and will have the design sorted out sooner rather than later. Just know I missed posting, I missed writing, and I didn’t fall off the face of the earth, even though I did go approximately one month between Instagram posts! Haha!
Since my knee injury, things just haven’t been the same on my fitness scale and it’s bothered me every day.
Last week, my knee started really giving me trouble again and is so frustrating. I tried to go for a bike ride on Friday night, and I only made it 12 minutes round trip. The knee said no, then I got anxious, and because I was anxious I thought I was going to die, so you know. Circle of doom, right there.
This week, I’ve made it my mission to get to the gym in the morning before work. I do so much better with my workouts when I go before work. Afternoons seem to fill up so quickly, and it just makes it too easy to make excuses. Hopefully this week is going well with the morning workouts.
I did finally join a gym. Just before my knee got hurt, I realized that the Barre studio I had been working toward becoming an instructor for didn’t have any openings for instructors at the times I was available. Then… the knee. I haven’t been in probably two months.
I realized something toward the end… I was getting bored with only doing Barre. I missed the variety of classes, I missed the ability to just do free weights, I missed running, and if I just did a membership at the Barre studio, I didn’t have the time or the money for those other things.
I plan to still drop in regularly, because I do love it, but I don’t know that right now it’s the place I’m meant to be. Finding a new stride in exercise is proving to be difficult, but I’m hoping that this week back on the wagon will make it much easier to stay ON the wagon. :)
This past weekend I had some great quality time with a friend. We were talking about my existential crisis, quarter life crisis, general CRAZY, however you would like to describe it.
She said something that made me stop and think. Apparently, that was a thing this weekend.
“I think you need to really focus on being kinder to yourself. You are a good person. At the end of the day, that’s what counts. Be nicer to yourself.”
What good advice.
I strive to be a good person, every day. Of course, there are days I fail, but I feel like in my heart, I default to being a “good” person. I don’t try to hurt people, I give what I can, I will stop the car to help a turtle across the road, I don’t like to be mean to people.
Is being a good person enough for me to cut myself some slack? I will never look like a Victoria’s Secret model, mostly because I don’t have the dedication or desire to put THAT much effort in to my eating/fitness plans, and also because I’m only 5’6.
I’ll never be CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but I don’t really want to be either, so that’s okay. I have to face the reality that my writing may never be printed. Although saying that makes my soul ache, it may just not be in the cards for me.
How am I going to define my success going forward so that I can be kinder to myself and also not feel like I’m so behind the curve that I’ll never catch up. Don’t you know, I’ve been comparing and letting it steal my joy.
I think I need to find out what I really think of as success and go from there.
What do you think?
I was talking to my mom this weekend about life, goals, what our plans are, what their plans are, etc and she said something that really struck me. She prefaced the comment by saying, “This is in no way a negative on you, I’m saying this as I’m self reflecting”, to which it’s immediately impossible to not take what comes next to heart somewhat.
She said, I never would have thought that you, the child who got good grades, was social, and went to college would be doing what you’re doing, working as a secretary, with your degree, and living here still.
Well, Mom, neither did I.
I had grandiose plans for my life filled with success and happiness and Louboutins, but somewhere in the daily grind those dreams fell out of reach.
I didn’t want to be working an office job, and I still don’t. I have learned that what we do to pay the bills sometimes isn’t what we want to do. I remember SCREAMING at my mom that I would NEVER do real estate, and that I had no interest in it… well, I do, and that’s what I’m pursuing. Oh, life, aren’t you a fickle funny thing.
I never in a million years thought I would be living in Fayetteville… or anywhere in Arkansas. I’m not sure I’m okay with living here either.
My life is 180* from where I thought I would be, and I think that’s what is bothering me about turning 26 so much. When I think back on my life, nothing, ABSOLUTELY nothing has turned out the way I thought or planned it would.
When I try to look at what I’ve done and gauge my success, I don’t feel like I can. I haven’t met a single goal I set out with, except to get a degree-and even that isn’t in the field I wanted (or want) it to be in.
I know that everything happens for a reason, and that I’m on this path for a reason, but it’s really hard to look at my life and realize that my right now is no where near what I wanted, no where near what I want, and no where near what I feel successful is.
Hello friends. How in the world is it the middle of September? I can’t figure out where time is going, and why I can’t seem to keep up with it. Here’s a glimpse at what I’ve been up to lately.
reading: Unfortunately nothing much. I have flipped through the latest Better Homes and Gardens, but I didn’t even really READ it. :(
watching: As a couple, we’ve flown through Awkward. which, if you haven’t watched you totally should. As a me, I’ve started Gilmore Girls over, because it is light and it makes my heart happy. I’ve been in short supply of happy heart things lately, so I’m determined to find more. As a wife, I’ve been watching a whoooole lot of football. :)
listening to: Pretty much only classical music on Spotify. I’ve figured out that I can’t study or super focus at work with music on with words (I tend to type what I’m hearing), but I’m loving the calm classical music.
obsessing over: What am I not obsessing over, really? I’ve got a house stuff wish list 700 miles long, a new fall wardrobe desire, new workout clothes, new this new that, old this old that, FALL omg, pumpkins, baking, snuggling, short hair cuts, all of it. So much to obsess over.
shopping for: I haven’t been shopping much, but now that I’m officially down about 15 lbs, I’ve got to get new pants. Which is exciting and daunting at the same time.
wearing: baggy clothes… new ones are expensive, yo.
learning: real estate, nuff said
thinking: A lot about a lot. My 26th birthday is upcoming, and I’m really struggling with it. I am having a hard time knowing that I’m on the tail end of my twenties, and I never thought I would be having this crisis. It feels to me much like an existential crisis. I’m questioning every thing and I’m guaranteed to be driving my friends and Jake crrraaaazzzzyyy with the emotional break down. I’ve deleted facebook from my phone so I can stop with the comparisons and debbie downer avalanche that is facebook.
bothered by: My negative perception of myself, where I am, and my self deemed “success” rate or lack there of. Also, really really really bothered by the general lack of compassion that seems to be taking the nation by storm.
eating: mostly clean, except for this weekend, but hey. It’s life.
drinking: lots of water, with grapefruit oil in it to break up the monotony, la croix when I can’t handle regular h2o any more, beer because it’s football season, HOT CHOCOLATE because it’s been cold the last couple mornings.
wasting time on: absolutely everything. I’m really struggling with feeling like I’m using my tim well. I think I need to get back on a routine and I’ll start feeling better.
loving: the cool weather, even though it’s not here to stay quite yet. Fall, I am ready for you.
praying for: A good friend lost her mother this weekend. I’m sending love, prayers, and comfort to her and her family. I can’t imagine the heartache they must be feeling. Take a moment and send a few prayers or positive thoughts their way, if you don’t mind.
working on: self reflection, self love, self acceptance, happiness, routine, success
looking forward to: completing the real estate class so that I can finally move forward with this goal and take control of my destiny.
Call me unrealistic, but when I signed up for the online real estate class, I had this grand idea of finishing in two weeks, and being licensed and with an agency by August. NEWS FLASH! It’s August, and I haven’t completed the course yet. I am exhausted of looking at it, and I’M NOT ANYWHERE NEAR THE END.
The real class is a 60 hour course, and I’m telling you mathematically… I will have spent WAAYYY more than 60 hours on this stupid thing.
I am eternally frustrated at it, but when I get frustrated at the class, I miss stupid quiz questions and have to retake them which in turn makes me MORE frustrated, so I just have to walk away.
Last weekend, I stepped back for a bit and tried to do some other activities. It was looming in the back of my mind as a “I need to do this” nagging task, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I think part of the problem has been how unexpectedly busy the rest of my life has gotten in an unplanned way. The summer went from a fabulous mild WONDERFUL beast to a monster. A monster straight from hell. We’ve either been flooded by the torrential down pours or we’re blistering in 100* heat. I work for a heating and air company, so as you can imagine work went from lovely to insane in 2 seconds flat.
The addition of physical therapy has really cramped my style. I am used to getting home at 4:30 in the afternoon, and having two hours until Jake comes home to focus on what I need to do. Now, I’m not getting home until 6:15-6:30, then I have to make dinner, and I’m exhausted from the day and PT. I JUST CAN’T WIN.
This week, I vow to take control. I vow to make time, and I will check of sections until I can’t check no mo. I have to, or I’ll never finish.
I’ve done many 24 Day Challenges before, however I have never meal prepped. I have read a million and one articles about it, I have talked to people about it, and I have always had the intention to do it, but it never happens.
Last week I knew that my schedule was insane with the addition of physical therapy and that there was NO WAY I would have time to make breakfast and lunch every day, or plan to have enough leftovers to eat, which rarely works for me, so I broke down and did it!
For breakfast I made egg muffins for both Jake and myself. I eat 2 every morning and he eats three. Mine have sautéed onions, tomatoes, green peppers, banana peppers, and jalapenos in them, along with a “cup” of two thin slices of turkey, and scrambled eggs. Jake just has the turkey, shredded cheese, and scrambled eggs. These were delicious, and I made 7 days worth for both of us, and we didn’t eat breakfast out once or freak out that there was no food! Holla!
For lunch I made mason jar salads and grilled chicken for every day. *I do wish I had switched up the meat a bit… by Thursday I was really over the grilled chicken. Also, the chicken is not in the mason jar… so… that’s a lot of food. :D
Snack time, which is my favorite time, brought baby carrots and watermelon. This week, I’ll be adding hummus to my carrots because I’m having a hard time getting enough calories in every day.
After a week of being 100% on my diet, and meal prepping for ease, I can honestly say that it was much easier than I thought it would be. The weekend was my struggle, but we had a birthday party to attend, and Jake mentioned ice cream approx 47 times. Oh. He also ordered cheese dip when we went out to dinner… Want to see a wife stab her husband in the eye? Reenact that situation. *side eye*
Everything worked so well, that I’m did it again this week! I did not cook the meat for the salads, except for Monday, so I’ll plan to cook some more throughout the week for variety.
Do you meal prep? If so, what are your favorite recipes?
I posted last week about my knee injury, and I’m here to update you on the situation.
I got the MRI and it showed a tear in the cartilage on the back of my knee cap, actually, not a torn meniscus. This isn’t something that can be fixed with surgery, so it’s a rehab situation at this point. Also, I did sprain both my inside and outside meniscus, which is causing the most pain right now. The orthopedist I saw said most likely I tore the cartilage at some point previously when I fell on my knee. Yay.
So, good news NO SURGERY! Bad news, potentially never healing knee pain. BOO.
Last week I was just OVER being on crutches and really focused in PT to get things done quickly, I iced it, I continued to baby it, and on Thursday I was officially released from crutching! DOUBLE YAY! I’m walking normally now, although still with the brace.
They also told me I could “moderately ride my bike”… AND SO I DID! :) Jake and I went for a 6.5 mile bike ride on Saturday afternoon, but kept it all relatively flat. I wore my brace, and the knee felt fine after the ride.
Sunday morning I got up and went for a ride myself and ended up with 8.7 miles, but around mile 6 I was feeling it… I over did it a bit, I’d say. I also mowed the yard when I got home too. :)
It felt so great to be outside, moving my body, being productive, sweating, and getting some fresh air. I’ve been diligent on my eating, as I started a 24 Day Challenge on Monday. I’m feeling great, healthy, and happy. I haven’t weighed during the challenge, but I’ll let you know how it’s looking at the end.
I’m hoping with the addition of biking into my routine that I’ll be able to strengthen the muscles even more and be back on my feet regularly in no time.
Last week, Becca asked the Twitterspere how long it had been since we updated our About Me and Favorite quotes on our Facebook profie… to which, I replied, “…….. That’s still on Facebook?!”
It sure is, ladies and gentlemen! I looked mine up today, and sure enough, mine had my previous blog address in it. How in the world did I forget that blog? It was nothing special, but it was so neat to go back and read my posts and thoughts on my life at that time. I was a little jealous of the me three years ago when I was confident enough in my writing to share my blog on my Facebook account. I’ve kept this blog fairly private from people I know in real life.
It also made me a little sad. I’m sad that I just left that space. I still like the name of that blog, although I don’t think it’s necessarily applicable to my life anymore. I’m not sure what to do with the space either. Do I just leave it there, do I take it down, do I go back to forgetting about it? It makes me sad that I don’t feel comfortable sharing this space with the people I know.
Should I open this up to the people I know and love and have to see face to face judgement from? Should I keep this as my “closet” hobby? I don’t know. We’ll have to see how things work out.
Do you share your blog with your “real life” people?