Writing here has been hard for quite some time. I always intend to come here regularly. I want to have a blog, I want to connect with readers, and I want to get to know other amazing bloggers. I can’t seem to get over my inability to write, to even type in the address and come to the blank page. It’s just gone.
So much of what I love has been stolen. A friend challenged me to write and share about my anxiety and what it means to me, so that’s what I’m going to do. Maybe by sharing it, I will chase some of it away and it will allow me to come back here and pick up doing what I love.
When I wake up, my first though is always, “Did I oversleep?” Even if I wake up to my alarm, which clearly means I did NOT oversleep. My heart ‘cramps’ or what I assume is what a heart cramp would feel like and the adrenaline surges. My fingers go tingly and my breathing catches, it takes a minute after looking at the clock to reassure myself that I’m awake on time for my breathing to calm back down and the tingling to subside.
Once I’m awake, the constant list of what needs to be done starts rolling, similar to the story at the beginning of Star Wars, just endless to-dos. I worry about inconsequential things like traffic and getting to work on time, whether or not the dog has eaten, did he go out and go to the bathroom, what do I have to do at work today, what do I need to do after work, etc. This continues until I fall asleep. It runs every minute of every day.
Once I get in the car, I’m on edge, whether or not I’m early, my hands usually are numb again once I hit the interstate. I’m worried about the other drivers, the construction, the time frame, how much time I’ve been sitting at a standstill, what the other idiot behind me is doing, please God, don’t let someone hit my car.
Work is a mixture of heart cramps and numb hands, mixed with some quiet down moments where the panic is gone, but I’m alternately filled with an impending sense of doom. My stomach is in knots, and I feel like Chicken Little, “THE SKY IS FALLING!” because my sky is falling. Whether it’s “did the car payment draft on time”, “I need to renew my passport”, “I didn’t get enough groceries so I have to stop on my way home”, “Someone wants me to come over/to come over to my house after work”, anything really. It all creates paralyzing anxiety.
By the end of the day, I’m so edgy and anxious that I’m snappy, I have no patience, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. Every day. Laughing is forced, as there is no carefree feeling of anything anymore. Every thing I do is calculated, is thought out, unless I spout of something sassy due to the anxiety and that just gets me in trouble.
Feeling this way for about a year now has stolen so much of the joy. I don’t bake very often, I don’t write very often, and I haven’t sewn in awhile. Decorating the house has become anxiety driven due to events I’m hosting. I truly feel like every ounce of joy has been sucked from my life and I’m a hollow shell. I don’t remember the last time I felt relaxed. I don’t remember the last time I felt calm. I don’t remember the last time I just felt happy.
Anxiety is ruining my life, one stolen moment at a time.