After my last post, I really took some time to think about what I was letting the anxiety steal from me. The unfortunate answer was everything. I had stopped baking, quilting, photographing, writing, laughing, relaxing, loving. I was so stuck in a constant state of fear and anxiousness that I couldn’t live my life.
I decided to change it. I made an appointment to talk to a therapist. I was so anxious that I thought I was going to pass out in the waiting room, but I didn’t. I survived, and in fact, talking with him has helped me to thrive. While things aren’t 100%, I am noticing a marked difference in my daily life. The death grip has lessened, and the joy is coming back.
I did something even bigger. I decided to jump and follow a pipe dream of mine. I am taking the real estate course to get my license. I dream of selling houses, and while previously I’ve always let my fear of the unknown income hold me back, or a job that I legally couldn’t work if I had my real estate license. I’ve wanted to do this since I graduated high school. I’m finally doing it, and in my gut I KNOW that this is what I’m meant to do.
I feel so much peace, a peace that I haven’t felt since… I don’t remember. I am able to look at Jake and laugh with him at his silly jokes, and just love without fear. I said something in my first session that really struck me, “Jake hasn’t changed in our relationship, I have… and it hasn’t been a good change. I stopped laughing, and I’m not the person he dated and fell in love with.” Talk about something that’s a dagger in your heart. I realized that I could control my own actions, and so I’ve started controlling them.
I might write more about some of the things the therapist brings to light, but I’m not sure how much. I do believe that counseling/therapy is a wonderful, healing, healthy process. I believe so many people can benefit from it. If you’re struggling with something, I urge you to take control and go talk to someone.
Before I felt so out of control of my anxiety, of my life, of my emotions, and now I feel IN control. I am working on the things that aren’t perfect and I’m discovering more about myself. It’s a safe place to say the things I want to and to be unarguably myself. It’s such a great experience.
I said I wanted to get writing back… and so I did. :)